Word of God has it dinosaurs are involved. Yep yep!
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Right now, all the Caverns and Creatures short stories and novels are only $0.99! The short story collections (d6, 2d6) remain $9.99, so buying the short stories piecemeal is actually a better deal.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
According to Robert Bevan's Facebook, people who downloaded a Kindle copy of Critical Failures 3 in the last day or so would have gotten a copy of Critical Failures 2 by accident. The issue has been resolved now, so you should be able to get the right book now.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
The Amazon description: "These big snake bitches think they can step to Dave and the C and C crew? Naga Please."
Buy it now!
Full disclosure: Mr. Bevan was kind enough to ask me to beta read this. I still laid out three dollars for it because I want to see him get mainstream success and every grain of sand helps, right?
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Title is "Naga Please" and tentative release date is on or before October 6.
Apologies for the lapse in blogging. I've spent the last week and a half moving.
Ok, I spent all but the last day of it putting off moving, but you know what I mean.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
"...+5 Staff of Leprosy..."
From the latest short story, "House of Madness". Pick it up if you haven't already!
Friday, September 19, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
"Every bonus I get comes from either being short or a bigot."
"Are you saying you've got nothing against kobolds?"
"Or course not," said Professor Goosewaddle, keeping his eyes on the book. "I mean, not the good ones."
-Critical Failures III: A Storm of S-words
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Monday, September 8, 2014
Saturday, September 6, 2014
" I'm super thrilled and honored by this."
This means a lot. I wrote my fan fiction trying to be respectful of the Caverns and Creatures universe while I shat all over it. I don't know if I have more Rule 34 in me, but if I do, it'll be something to do with Drizzt and Bruenor.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Thursday, September 4, 2014
“I've had a change of heart. Don't get me wrong, what just happened with us was awesome. I'd even go so far as to say that you made it tardally awesome. But my plans now go way past getting to Julian by going through you.”
“Oh, my God, you don't mean---?”
“Illiterate, remember? Also, I find choad to be a hurtful and sexist nomenclature. Surely a socially aware woman like yourself knows that is our word and you have no right to use it!”
“That's cool and all,” opined Julian. “But why isn't every perv in the city lined up against this wall? And if this is the Playboy mansion, where's Hugh Hefner?”
While the carnivorous plant had three new targets to deal with, Tim was able to jump up onto the vine holding Dave up in the air and drag it down. His tiny halfling hands were able to pull away the vines constricting Dave's throat, revealing ugly purple welts. Then he started sawing away with his dagger as carefully as possible.
Tim was darting around the cluster of potion brewers, alternately keeping an eye out on the front and flanks. Pickpockets were his main concern, but even a careless NPC blundering into them could cause them to drop and break a fragile potion bottle. No doubt Mordred had drawn up a table detailing any number of horrible outcomes that would occur in that eventuality. Looking back, he saw Dave leaning against a fence, panting. “Haul ass, Dave! We're almost to the market square!” Dave didn't appear to hear him, and put his face up against the fence. Tim trotted back to see what had caught Dave's attention.
Tim looked into the hole Dave vacated and saw a tableau that would have made Hieronymus Bosch hand in his paints and take up heavy drinking. A garden with fruit trees, flowers, fountains, and a shallow pool. Naked females of every fantasy race Tim had seen and a few he could only guess at were lounging around the pool and splashing each other. A wizened man in a purple silk robe sat in a chaise lounge under an umbrella. An elf and a gnome woman in their birthday suits seemed to be giving him a pedicure. A persistent tugging on his shirt sleeve that seemed to increase in urgency...
“C'mon, Tim, quit hogging the view!”, Dave whined, finally opting to use his superior dwarf mass to push Tim aside and replace him at the peephole. “Don't you need to be guarding the potion peddlers or something?”
Dave finally managed to pull himself free of the bush's grasp and fall on his back, panting. His armor had deflected most of the thorns, but his face and arms were peppered with tiny oozing holes. After wiping the blood from his face with his leopard-furred forearm, he covered his face with one hand and muttered, “I heal me.” His body shuddered with something like a piss shiver as one by one, the holes stopped bleeding and new skin grew over them. “That feels so good, it's almost worth getting chewed up by a plant. Now let's go catch an eyeful of skin before they kick us out.”
Using the hedge as cover, Tim and Dave watched the elderly man drift in and out of consciousness as he received a shoulder massage from the elf maiden. So intent were they on getting a glimpse of pert elf boob, neither of them noticed the grapevines slowly unfurling and reaching down towards them...
“Feel free to sing 'We Shall Overcome' if you want, but your reek is making me gag,” said Tony. As if to punctuate his statement, one of the mules lifted its tail and farted.
"C'mon, the piss doesn't smell that bad. Certainly not much worse than it did when it was beer.”
“The piss? No, that's not the smell I'm worried about. Hurry up, we have five more taverns to hit, and Snulbug at the tannery likes his liquid gold fresh.”
Julian wiped the sweat from his forehead before throwing another armload of sliced carrots and potatoes into the giant cauldron. He'd never really appreciated the effort Barney put into keeping all the other real-world adventurers fed before today. After making it clear through a series of sighs and gestures, that Ravenus, with his tendency to drop shit at random intervals, was not welcome in the kitchen, Barney had gone on an extended smoke break, leaving Julian to his own devices.
Julian sniffed the stew. It didn't seem to be burning, but then again, it wasn't nearly as appealing as what Barney managed to dish out every night. Maybe he would put a point into the Cooking skill, the next time he leveled up...
When he turned back to the counter for another round of slicing, Julian saw that Rhonda had come into the kitchen from the tavern's main room. He wasn't sure what to make of the weird little smile on her face, or the way the front of her robe wasn't tightly drawn around her neck as usual. He'd never seen her wear makeup before, but there seemed to be a crude blotchy rouge applied to her cheeks, in much the same haphazard manner as the local whores would wear.
Rhonda leaned forward, her robe falling even farther open. “So how 'bout it? Do you like what you see?”
“Nothing like that, buddy, but it sure feels like I dodged a bullet. I don't think I can do any more damage to this stew; let's see if we can meet up with Tim and Dave.”
Gathering his staff and serape, Julian left via the kitchen's back entrance. Ravenus perched on his shoulder, chattering away. Neither noticed Rhonda furtively following them.
No matter the hour, Cardinia's Collapsed Sewer district is never entirely quiet. The bustle of the day, with vendors hawking their wares and counting out an honest day's wage, gives way at dusk to the more furtive rustling of rogues trying to make a dishonest night's wage. More questionable items are traded in back alleys in a quiet rustle; these deals often end in a dying gurgle from one party. After midnight, drunken revelry can be heard from behind closed doors, and night watchmen in the more upscale districts can be heard calling the hours. Through it all, the constant gurgle of fermentation in the aforementioned collapsed sewers can be heard.
“Shitohshitohshit, it's in my beeearrrd!”, wailed Dave. Casting about the bar for the nearest clean liquid, he upended the spittoon over his head. At least it was an improvement. Cooper, for his part, was groggily coming to from his comfortable puddle of dried vomit on the floor. His eyes grew wide as Dave waddled back across the floor and planted a kick on his ass.
Because of my job and nomadic lifestyle, it has been all kinds of hard for me to get a flat space, my laptop, and a wifi connection all together at the same time. I've been working on this since February. It's definitely given me an appreciation for the work that goes into even a light comic fantasy novel. . So what I'd like to do is put my short story here, broken into several chunks. It's my love letter to the universe of Caverns and Creatures, even if it comes across more as a manifesto written from a tarpaper shack.
I'm new to Blogger and mostly only get to update by phone, so bear with me.